Thank you for sending us draft 11. It’s much improved from draft 10 but, oddly, still not as good as draft seven. Those of us who actually read this pass all agree that the new joke about the treasure map being upside down is as old as Captain Kangaroo’s balls so please replace it with something that sounds like it was written this millennium.
General Notes – Please turn the ferret’s baseball cap sideways and give him a backpack. Research feels that this will give your character “some much needed pizzazz.” Also, licensing suggests replacing Ol’ Granny Rabbit’s legs and feet with a set of wheels. If you feel you need to justify this in the story, you can say she was a nurse in World War II or something. You’re the writer.
On a personal note, I read this draft to the twins last night and Ashton, who usually fights me at bedtime, was out like a light by page 3. Soren, however, who is more sensitive, began crying when the Bulldozer’s shovel broke and wouldn’t stop until his father and I re-enacted his favorite episode of Max & Ruby. So, thanks for that.
My specific notes are below:
Page 1 – I don’t like the way you use the word, “Hi!” Can’t they say something more fun here like “Hal-loo!”?
Page 3 – Was that a typo or did you really name the dad’s best friend “Dick?”
Page 5 – Please refrain from writing your stage directions in rhyme. It is very annoying and no one is impressed.
Page 6 – I’m going to ask S&P to take a look at the scene in which the baby chinchillas light firecrackers with their teeth. This may have to go.
Page 8 – I understand that you’ve been in a pissy mood since draft 7, Josh, but I don’t think you need to describe the Little Forklift as “vewy overwowked and undewpaid.”
Page 9 – Change the period to a comma and then change it back to a period again. It will read better this way.
Page 10 – You cannot use the word goyim in a preschool show.
Page 11 – I think the whole potty scene will play better if the door is closed and we simply hear the walrus pooping.
Page 14 – Your songs have really taken a nosedive since Wonder Pets! “Twinkling” does not rhyme with “Wisconsin.”
Page 15 – I could be wrong but I don’t think it’s OK to sell tortoise shell jewelry at a school fair regardless of where the profits are going. Will check with legal.
Page 17 – “Day of the Dead Celebration” should be replaced with “Piñata Party.”
Page 18 – The neighbors simply cannot be “swingers.”
OK, that pretty much covers it. Not too painful this week.
See you at Kidscreen in February! I know you wanted to meet up but, unfortunately, my schedule is already full.