‘Being a children’s superstar is great, but what I really want to do is. . . produce?’ Apparently Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are ready to create their own cinematic masterpieces through their production company Dualstar Entertainment. First up is Tough Cookie, an animated feature they are developing for summer 2002 release. Of course the darling duo won’t appear in it, nor lend their voices, because, well, they are producers now!

I’ve never watched Full House, I’ve never seen their direct-to-video movies, and I haven’t even shopped at Wal-Mart, but I’ve got some advice for these 14-year-old mini-moguls: You are the brand!

If you are going to make movies, please make great ones to star in. You are the most famous tweens in America and now is your moment. The kids want you!

It could be worse. They could end up like Gary Coleman. Coleman, who once starred in his own Hanna-Barbera Saturday morning cartoon show, is now attached to voice Xeronine, a new CGI kids show in development for Fox TV Studios. The series, about a robot with the mind of a child (voiced by Coleman), is an ambitious CGI science-fiction adventure-comedy that begs the question: Who would build a robot with the mind of a child? What purpose would such a device serve? If you start to think about these things, you’ll hurt yourself!

Many writers think they can get away with anything if it’s a sci-fi concept. Not true. There is an internal logic that all fantasy must adhere to, or it makes no sense whatsoever. In fact, there’s a new series from Germany-based Caligari Film called Traffix that apparently tries to teach road rules to kids. It takes place in a solar system called Gravelvox, inhabited by the Nimbols. The planets in this system have been adapted for specific purposes: one for agriculture, one for hunting, one for mining and one for industry, called Planet 8, where all young Nimbols must complete their schooling. The initial eps cover the fundamentals of road safety, but throw in the odd dating tip every now and then. In essence, Traffix is about being cool, staying cool, and how-by learning the rules-kids can explore a wider world.

Dating tips from aliens? Yeah, whatever. And kids are confused enough without having to learn traffic safety from an outer space TV concept! Hopefully the sidewalks in the Gravelvox star system are better than the ones here on Earth. Caligari probably isn’t even looking for international co-producers, it needs extraterrestrial ones! (Well, not really. Germany’s Peppermint has worldwide distribution rights, and while it is green, it’s not from outer space).

Beam me up, Scotty!