By Guest Blogger Daley Pearson
This week Mattel revamped Bob the Builder for a new generation of viewers. And it started me thinking about kids and merchandising. Ever since adults discovered children like to play with toys, they’ve been finding new ways to make money out of it. Now, more than ever, if a movie or TV show (or game, or anything) is successful it will have merchandising. Some properties are so successful that the toy companies even sell toys of events and people that never even existed in that property’s universe. So here’s my personal top six toys of events (and people) that never happened (or existed) in the movie (or TV show)…
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Ace Duck
He’s brave. He’s a pilot. He’s a duck. And one more thing: he never existed. According to turtle history, Ace Duck was once a test pilot named Ace Conrad…until he was caught in Krang’s transport beam and cross-fused with a duck (classic Krang). Ace was later saved by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and became the pilot of their Turtle Blimp. Only all this is turtle bullsh*t. The only time Ace Duck appears on the cartoon is when Michelangelo is watching an Ace Duck movie marathon… and Ace doesn’t even come alive from the TV or anything. Ace Duck’s accessories included Weapons Belt w/Egg Grenades (he basically threw his children at you) and a Removable Pilot’s Cap (for when you want to get rid of the coolest thing about Ace Duck). What a cowa-bungle!
Ace Duck’s only appearance was on a TV…in a TV show…
Ace Duck’s bio on the back of his box is…crazy and awesome.
2. Independence Day: Alien Science Officer
Before Ali and The Pursuit of Happyness, Will Smith made great films… with greater toys! One of these was Independence Day. Included in the line-up of ID4‘s action figures was an Alien Science Officer. Okay, I’ll buy that. The humans had Jeff Goldblum so the Aliens may have had a Science Officer. But one thing’s for sure: it never shared screen time with Big Willie.
The “Alien Science Officer” looks a lot like an “Alien Attacker Pilot” who’s just been painted blue…
3. The Lost World: Jurassic Park: Ian Malcolm Glider Pack!
Remember this scene from The Lost World…
Vince Vaughn and Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) are packing their dinosaur kits getting ready to go to The Lost World.
MALCOLM: (to Vince) What’s your background? Wildlife photography?
VINCE: Wildlife, combat, you name it. When I was with Nightline I was in Rwanda, Chechnya, all over Bosnia. Do some volunteer for Greenpeace once in a while.
MALCOLM: What drew you there?
VINCE: Women. ‘Bout eighty percent female in Greenpeace.
MALCOLM: Very noble.
VINCE: Noble was last year. This year I’m getting paid. Hammond’s check cleared, or I wouldn’t be going on this wild goose chase.
MALCOLM: Where you’re going is the only place in the world where the geese chase you. SO you better remember to pack a spare Glider Pack…
This would have made Jeff Goldblum’s escape from the Lost World so much easier.
4. The Mask: Mask Mobile!
Here is The Mask Mobile, a clever car packed with Gadgets that include:
- Chompin’ Teeth to take a bite out of Criminals!
- Super-sleek sssmokin’ styling (whatever that means)
- Launching Ejector Seat for unwelcome passengers!
- Customized Mask Spoiler
- Shooting Exhaust Pipes to blast Evil enemies!
Approx. value? Who knows? What’s the value of a smoookin’ lie?
5. Batman Forever: Deluxe Light Wing Batman.
The second Jim Carrey film on this list. If this had happened, I’d remember it. I’ve seen Batman Forever… a lot. And quite frankly the film would’ve ended much sooner if Val Kilmer had this in his Batcave. Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones wouldn’t have stood a chance against it – I mean look at him… it’s in-sane…
6. Hook: Bazooka Fire Skull Armor Capt. Hook figure!
Remember Hook? Or should I say, “Remember the greatest cinema experience of the 90′s?” And do you remember the scene where Dustin Hoffman put on his Bazooka Fire Skull Armor to fight Peter Pan? Sure, it seems like something plucked straight from the imagination of literary talent J.M. Barrie only… it never happened.
A final full disclosure, I (my parents) have bought almost all the toys on this list. And I loved them. So shut up about it.
Daley Pearson is an Emmy Award-winning creator and co-founder and director at Ludo Studio. Pearson created, wrote and directed the comedy drama series The Strange Calls for ABC2 and the Emmy winning #7DaysLater. Currently, Pearson and Ludo Partner Charlie Aspinwall are co-creating, writing and producing the 52 x 12-minute children’s animated comedy series The Strange Chores with ABC3 and the interactive multiplatform comedy series Doodles. Follow him @Daley_Pearson