We have some late-breaking news that could herald the end of those ‘How many children’s television executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?’ jokes.
As reported elsewhere in these pages, one of the hottest new trends in kids TV, toys and licensing is… robots. In a KidScreen exclusive, we’d like to announce the worldwide debut of an amazing new robotic invention guaranteed to restore the respect and good reputations of kids TV execs everywhere-the Exec-U-Bot 5000TM.
The Exec-U-Bot represents an amazing technological breakthrough and a whole new generation of robotic kidbiz exec. No object for derision, scorn, severance package or even light bulb jokes, the Exec-U-Bot is programmed to pick hits every time out; to nurture projects from inception through development, funding and production; to promote and market them until they permeate the consciousness of every kid in the world-while invoking the ire of every parent; and, finally, to sit back and watch the ratings, money and awards roll in, while also receiving the accolades of peers, critics and children’s advocacy groups.
Let us take a closer look at this incredible new invention and a few of the many ways in which it improves upon its real-life counterpart.
Infrared Child-Appeal Sensor
Replaces that messy, unscientific research of hit-or-miss focus groups. You know. . . the ones in which kids are unduly influenced by peer pressure, manipulated by clunky moderators, and which suffer from kids’ notorious inability to self-report to adults.
Eschewing ‘executive summaries,’ the Exec-U-Bot actually enjoys reading and will read everything with excellent comprehension and retention. Say goodbye to costly, opinionated readers!
With an outer skin of industrial-strength titanium, the Exec-U-Bot can take whatever abuse, blame and threats its clients or bosses dish out. It has been specially manufactured to absorb years of scapegoating. And you’ll never hear it complain about working around the clock through holiday weekends to hit a ridiculous ship date on a schedule that was cavalierly squandered at the beginning by real executives who couldn’t make up their minds.
Exaggeration Inhibitor Circuit
Unlike its real-life counterpart, the Exec-U-Bot is programmed to remain litigation-free by virtue of an automatic shut-down circuit triggered any time its projections or claims of success exceed reality by more than 100%.
5000K Internal Processor
You wanna talk processing speed? The Exec-U-Bot has enough fire power to outcalculate even studio accountants! In fact, the literature claims it actually has the capacity to solve heretofore-unsolvable mathematical riddles of the ages: It can square the circle, calculate the exact value of 1 and prove the existence of net profits.
Forget the claims of others-the Exec-U-Bot actually can work and golf at the same time.
Travel & Entertainment Expense Reduction The Exec-U-Bot has no ego that needs to be stroked and no need for status perks. Excessive expenses are a thing of the past. No more first-class travel arrangements, indulgent dinners on the French Riviera, post-event shopping vacations and extravagant membership fees to exclusive country clubs.
The Gossip Factor
The Exec-U-Bot assures security and full discretion. No loose rivets at the local watering hole, and it won’t get into bed with the wrong partner. No pillow talk here!
You’ll never find the Exec-U-Bot desperately chasing last year’s trends. Never one to get comfortable, formulaic or stuck in a rut, this machine keeps its sensors to the ground and its motherboard open to fresh, new ideas. At the same time, it has the handy ability to filter out spurious claims. (See previous entry on Exaggeration Inhibitor Circuit.)
To be fair, the Exec-U-Bot only operates at a rudimentary level. However, let’s face it, intelligence can be a little like food flavoring-’artificial’ is usually better than none at all.
Real executives, beware! With the launch of the Exec-U-Bot, your days could be numbered. Oh, and speaking of numbers, in case you were wondering how many children’s executives it does take to screw in a light bulb, the answer is six. One to hire the electrician, three to critique and give notes, and one to fire the electrician. And the sixth? Well, somebody has to fire the executive who hired the electrician in the first place.